Saturday, January 05, 2008
One of the craziest oddities of the English language is that there are so many different collective nouns that all mean "group" but which are specific to what particular thing there is a group of: a herd of elephants, a crowd of people, a box of crayons, a pad of paper, etc. There is great diversity of collective nouns associated with animals, from a sleuth of bears to a murder of crows. The following is a list of the correct terms to describe groups of various types of animals.
Here are just a few that I’ve never hear of:
drove of pigs herd of pigs farrow of pigs (piglets) sounder of pigs (wild pigs) cartload of monkeys troop of monkeys clowder of cats clutter of cats glaring of cats pounce of cats dout of cats (house cats) nuisance of cats (house cats) kendle of cats (kittens) kindle of cats (kittens) destruction of cats (wild cats) rhumba of rattlesnakes convocation of eagles prickle of hedgehogs bloat of hippopotami memory of elephants congregation of crocodiles charm of hummingbirds
There are many, many more here.
Posted 10:58 AM
Friday, January 04, 2008
A traveling salesman was driving through a rural area one day when he passed a farmhouse and barn. Next to the barn he saw a pig pen, and in the pig pen was a very large hog. The surprising thing was that the hog had only three legs; the right rear leg was completely gone.
Spotting the farmer near the driveway, the salesman slowed down and then turned in, tooting his horn. He stopped the car, got out, and greeted the farmer.
"Good afternoon, sir," he said, "I was just passing by and saw your hog there. That's really amazing, I've never seen an animal missing a leg like that. Looks like he gets around okay."
"Yep, he does at that," drawled the friendly farmer, "He does just fine."
"What happened to his leg, sir?", asked the salesman.
"Well now, that there's a miracle pig...yessir...a real hero," stated the farmer. "Six months ago me and the old lady was asleep in our bed, and in the middle of the night or house caught fire and was burning down. That there pig broke out of his pen, ran up to the house, busted through the front door, ran up the steps squealing and oinking like crazy! The commotion woke us up and we were able to get out of the house alive and call the fire department! Yessir, a real hero, that pig is!"
"But I don't understand, sir...how did he lose his leg?" the salesman asked again.
The farmer looked over fondly at the pig and said, "After the fire, the wife and I decided...well sir, a hero pig like that...we just couldn't bear to eat him all at one time!"
Thanks Old Master
Posted 8:46 PM
1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
Then analyze the situation:
a. If they are counting the bricks put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Government.
Posted 8:42 PM
Only a true golfer will understand these…
- Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
- Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
- When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
- If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: You can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
- The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
- No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
- The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.
- If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
- Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
- A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.
- It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt .. for a 10.
- Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
- Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
- It's not a gimme if you're still away.
- The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree
- There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
- You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.
- If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
- Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
- When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start
- watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
- Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
- If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
- To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing
- 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.
- There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands:
- how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
- Hazards attract; fairways repel.
- You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball.
- A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
- If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
- It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard.
- Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over.
- A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
- Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.
- A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are...that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.
- That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.
- If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
- Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
- A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.
- It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
- If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably hot an eight (or worse).
- You probably wouldn't look good in a green jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine.
- It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart if you are performing brain surgery.
Posted 8:35 PM
A young journalism student was assigned to write a human interest story. He went into the mountains to do some research. There, he found an old farmer sitting on his porch, introduced himself, and explained his mission.
The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you really happy?"
After a moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbour's daughter, a fine looking gal, got lost. We formed a posse and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can't you think of anything else that happened that made you happy?"
The farmer thought for a minute and smiled, "Yep! One time a neighbour's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it, and then took it back home."
Again, the young man said, "I can't print that, either. Let's try another approach. Has anything ever happened around here that made you really sad?"
The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed, and after a few seconds he looked up timidly at the young man and said,
"This one time, I got lost…."
Posted 6:30 PM
Posted 5:41 PM
Thursday, January 03, 2008
An oldie, but certainly a goodie….
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure. A young nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
'Nurse,'.... he mumbles, from behind the mask, 'are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again............ 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he might elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and carefully takes his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then she takes a close look, and gently replaces his gown and bedding. 'There's nothing wrong with them, sir.'
With difficulty, the man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely. 'ARE-MY-TEST-RESULTS-BACK?'
Posted 3:53 PM
I ain't much for shopping,
Or for goin' into town
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain't too easily found.
But the day came when I had to go -
I left the kids with Ma.
But 'fore I left, she asked me,
'Would you pick me up a bra?'
So without thinkin' I said, 'Sure,'
How tough could that job be?
An' I bent down and kissed her
An' said, 'I'll be back by three.'
Well, I done the things I needed,
But I started to regret
Ever offering to buy that thing -
I worked me up a sweat
I walked into the ladies shop
My hat pulled over my eyes,
I didn't want to take a chance
On bein' recognized.
I walked up to the sales clerk -
I didn't hem or haw -
I told that lady right straight out,
'I'm here to buy a bra.'
From behind I heard some snickers,
So I turned around to see
Every woman in that store
Was a'gawkin' right at me!
'What kind would you be looking for?'
Well, I just scratched my head.
I'd only seen one kind before,
'Thought bras was bras,' I said.
She gave me a disgusted look,
'Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
Follow me,' I heard her say,
Like a dog, I tagged along.
She took me down this alley
Where bras was on display.
I thought my jaw would hit the floor
When I saw that lingerie.
They had all these different styles
That I'd never seen before
I thought I'd go plumb crazy
'fore I left that women's store.
They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
And bras that cross your heart.
There was bras that lift and separate,
And that was just the start.
They had bras that made you feel
Like you ain't wearing one at all,
And bras that you can train in
When you start off when you're small.
Well , I finally made my mind up -
Picked a black and lacy one -
I told the lady, 'Bag it up,'
And figured I was done.
But then she asked me for the size
I didn't hesitate
I knew that measurement by heart,
'Six and seven eighths you say?
That really isn't right.'
'Oh, yes ma'am! I'm real positive -
I measured them last night!'
I thought that she'd go into shock,
Musta took her by surprise
When I told her that my wife's bust
Was the same as my hat size.
'That's what I use to measure with,
I figured it was fair,
But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am.'
This drew another stare.
By now a crowd had gathered
And they all was crackin' up
When the lady asked to see my hat,
To measure for the cup.
When she finally had it figured,
I gave the gal her pay.
Then I turned to leave the store,
Tipped my hat and said, 'Good day.'
My wife had heard the story
'fore I ever made it home.
She'd talked to fifteen women
Who called her on the phone.
She was still a-laughin'
But by then I didn't care.
Now she don't ask and I don't shop
For women's underwear.
~ Author Unknown ~
Posted 3:15 PM
A young man went to a fortune teller. Gazing into her crystal ball, the old lady asked, “What is your dream, young man? What do you want to do with your life?”
“I want to become a great writer.
"How do you define great?” she asked.
“I want to write things that the whole world will read, Things that people will react to on a truly emotional level, Things that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation and anger.
”The fortune teller reassured him, “It will be so.”
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.”
Thanks Sweet Mary
Posted 3:10 PM
This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize.
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll.
They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?'
You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the carpool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled on 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the
traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked. My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'
'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. 'Where are her clothes?'Granny continued.
'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay, my brother said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?' Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny! Hang on!'
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later, I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my mother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.
Thanks Joe P
Posted 5:45 AM
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
A gorgeous woman gets into a taxi. She says, "To the airport, please."
After a few minutes, the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says, "You're third pregnant woman I've driven to the airport today."
The woman, indignant, says, "You must be kidding. I'm not pregnant."
The taxi driver says, "Well, you haven't arrived at the airport yet, either."
Posted 7:42 PM
12/30 - 01/06
- Art with feeling
- Are we there yet?
- Inverted celebrities
- When athiests come calling....
- Out for a walk...
- Collective nouns
- Fly Guy
- Strange trees
- To Morrow
- Mom, please..... not in front of the mouse...
- The pig is a hero... or the hero is a pig
- WHERE TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES
- Golf truisms
- Little Red Riding Hood was delicious
- Free at last...
- CD self portrait
- A human interest story
- Record snowfall report from the National Weather S...
- Human shadow blocks
- Strike Tree...
- 3th Floor
- Alaska is huge!
- It's official.... I'm going to Hell
- A free ride... with a view
- The Internet
- Kids, dirt and soap.... the perfect mix
- Cheers.... ooops
- Cowboy poetry - Buying a bra
- A visit to the fortune teller...
- Wildest Christmas dinner
- Welcome a sparkling new year
- Nun Fun
- Croc Island
- Mouse tank
- Blogging payola
- Pregnant women
- Drug bust... and then some
- For that second childhood...
- Wipeout on the highway
- Snake eats golf balls...
- African pole dancer
- Van Wacko
- Dangerous skies
- Sporty condoms
- High ten
- Please take one
- Honeymoon surprise
- The chicken business
- Is it getting hot in here... or is it just me?
- No Parking
- Fishing friends
- Frozen flowers
- 100 things we didn't know last year
- I've renewed your contract for 2008
- Aviation pioneer
- Pool yuck
- Happy New Year
- Tired dog
- Viagra advertising
- How clouds are made....
- Used condoms are cheaper....
- Weapon of Self Destruction
- Beautiful plantlife
- Leap of faith
- Hummer H2
- Lose your glasses?
- Man cold
- Random thoughts
- Another day at the beach
- Unplayable playground
- Lamb post
- An ant at work
- "...and that's why we need to invade Canada. Any q...
- Early days of computer technology
- Workplace hazard
- Breaking News....
- Don't you hate when this happens?
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- Across the Board
- Apropos of Nothing
- Big Fun
- Big Shot Bob in Texas
- Cynical-C Blog
- Dead Dog
- Eat Liver
- It's Knutz
- J-Walk Blog
- Look at This
- Miss Cellania
- My Confined Space
- Nothing to do with Arborath
- Outhouse Rag
- Unique Daily