Saturday, November 10, 2007
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?” “Sand,” answered Juan.
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that. Get off the bike.” The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have you got?”
“Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about….. I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”
Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”
Posted 2:34 PM
I’m off to visit my aunt again in sunny Florida. Daily high temps are forecast to be 78–79 degrees. Lows around 60. That sounds just about right for me.
Changing planes in Orlando where I’ll have a 4 hr layover. (On the way home the layover is just 40 minutes) Then it’s off to Fort Meyes which is about 45 minutes from my aunt. The things I do to save a few bucks. Could have flown non-stop to Tampa and drove the 90 minutes to Port Charlotte… but the better fare was through Fort Meyers.
I’ll post when I get the chance… hopefully daily…but just in case I don’t, you’ll know why.
Y’all be careful out there.
Posted 8:10 AM
Friday, November 09, 2007
This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Posted 6:34 PM
This is really scary. Imagine what his lungs are like.
A coal miner takes a bath after finishing his shift at a mine in the north China province of Shanxi. China's coal industry is the world's most dangerous, as measured by the number of miners who are killed per year. In the first 10 months of 2007, there have been 3,069 deaths and on average since 2000, 6,000 miners have died in China every year.
Posted 6:04 PM
… A bunch of damn letters.
Even the welcome sign in Webster, Mass., misspells its lake. (It has an O for one U and an H for one N.)
LAKE CHARGOGGAGOGGMAN- CHAUGGAGOGGCHAUBUNAGUNGAMAUGG, Mass. - It is spelled just the way it sounds.
Unless you spell it differently, like in the sign put up by the chamber of commerce at the southern end of town, which has an O for one of the U's and an H for one of the N's.
Or the postcards at Waterfront Mary's, the lake's best-known restaurant, which have smuggled an extra "gaug" into the name.
Even for the locals, this sprawling central Massachusetts lake with the even more sprawling name, Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg - the longest place name in the United States - is not for the tied of tongue.
I’d go somewhere else rather than here. I’d hate to have someone ask me where I spent my vacation.
Posted 5:36 PM
Imagine this: You are dating someone new. He/she invites you to a romantic, home-cooked dinner at his/her place. After dinner, the curry he/she took the time to make for you is not sitting well. What do you do?
Or imagine this: It’s five minutes until your 9:00 a.m. board meeting. The coffee you had to wake you up starts to churn. You enter the restroom and see a bunch of your co-workers gabbing. What do you do?
Poof it! Just a few drops of this liquid deodorizer in the toilet water and a translucent seal traps your odors in the water, releasing a refreshing scent of Japanese Mint to fill the air! Created for the sophisticated and bathroom conscious, Poof is packaged in an appealing yet discreet bottle that easily slips into your purse, pocket, or the palm of your hand.
One drop of Poof will forever change the way you do your business!
Enough for 400 poops… $10
Posted 5:10 PM
These were supposedly actually printed
in 2007. I can believe it.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
Thanks Joe P
Posted 4:33 PM
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Everyone knows the pecking order in a family has everything to do with age. The oldest sibling usually rules the roost. But what if you get cheated out of the title because of Daylight Saving Time?Peter Sullivan Cirioli was dubbed “Baby A” at WakeMed Cary when he arrived early Sunday morning.
“Yes, Peter was born first, it was at 1:32 a.m.,” mother Laura Cirioli said.
Thirty-four minutes later, Peter’s twin sister, Allison Raye Cirioli, known as “Baby B,” made her entrance into the world.
Because of Daylight Saving Time, Allison’s time of birth was 1:06 a.m., which makes her 26 minutes older than her brother even though he was born first.
“We just never even thought about it until after he was born and then we realized it was going to happen. It was really kind of amazing,” Laura Cirioli said.
The proud mother and father said they don’t really care who was born first, they are just glad to have two healthy babies. They do suspect the daylight savings predicament will be fodder for sibling rivalry.
“We’ll let them work that out between themselves. I don’t want to get into the middle of it,” Jason Cirioli said.
Peter and Allison were expected to leave the hospital Tuesday night.
Posted 12:52 PM
Wednesday, thousands of bananas washed up in the Netherlands on two North Sea islands. At least six containers fell off a cargo ship in a storm and at least one burst open.
A half-mile stretch of beach on Terschelling island, 70 miles north of Amsterdam, was littered with bunches of unripe fruit from Cuba. Bananas also washed up on neighboring Ameland island.
Posted 9:01 AM
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally.....I assumed you had stolen the car."
Posted 8:55 AM
A woman goes to her doctor's office, to discuss a strange development. She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh. They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back.
A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.
The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy--there's no problem. But I'm wondering, was your boyfriend that Harley guy in the waiting room?"
The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"
"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
Posted 8:46 AM
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
A Michigan couple is lucky to be alive after their minivan was hit by a falling cow on Sunday. Charles Everson, Jr. and his wife Linda were driving on Highway 150 about one mile east of Manson in Chelan County when a 900 pound cow named Michelle fell about 200 feet off a cliff and landed on the hood of their minivan.
"It was 'bam' - you just saw something come down and hit the hood," Everson said. He said he didn't see the animal until it hit and didn't realize what happened until after the impact.
The Eversons were examined at Lake Chelan Community Hospital and released. The cow was euthanized at the scene.
Rena Albertson, the owner of the cow, said the animal was named Michelle and the family had raised her from a calf.
Posted 3:32 PM