Saturday, November 11, 2006
Here are just a few from the list:
- 9. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
- 13. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
- 17. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climatic parts of rental movies.
- 29. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
- 41. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
- 46. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
- 57. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
- 68. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
- 113. Switch your neighbor's lawn furniture with someone else's.
Posted 1:22 PM
Decker wasn't the brightest guy in the world, and his coworkers were continually ribbing him at the factory. One in particular, Gus, would greet him each morning and precipitate this exchange:
"Say, Decker, you seen Ben?"
"Ben' down and kiss my ass!"
Tired of falling for the same joke day after day, Decker confided in his more worldly brother, who said, "Listen. Next time you see this guy, ask him if he's seen Eileen. He'll ask, 'Eileen who?' and you say, 'I lean over and you kiss my ass!'"
Memorizing his lines, Decker went to the work early to wait for Gus. As soon as the bully arrived, Decker ran over.
"Hey Gus, you seen Eileen?"
"No," Gus answered, "She ran off with Ben."
Decker frowned. "Ben who?"
Posted 1:12 PM
Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished! It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.
The night went well and the next day, she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening." "But what about afterward?" asked her friends.
"Oh, that ..., Ralph was too tired.."
Posted 1:10 PM
Season Shot is made of tightly packed seasoning bound by a fully biodegradable food product. The seasoning is actually injected into the bird on impact seasoning the meat from the inside out. When the bird is cooked the seasoning pellets melt into the meat spreading the flavor to the entire bird. Forget worrying about shot breaking your teeth and start wondering about which flavor shot to use!
Just shoot the bird. Throw it in the oven. Eat it.
Posted 1:05 PM
I’ve linked to this (or something like it) a long time ago. It’s a good refresher on how to actually cut through the voice recorded “Your call is imortant to us” bullcrap.
Here are a few examples:
- Ford Motor Credit – Press # at each prompt, ignoring messages.
- Discover Card – Press ****.
- Merrill Lynch – Say "Advisor".
- IRS –
Don't press or say anything. U.S. Postal Service – Press 5 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
- New York Times – Press 500.
There are 500 companies listed in this database. Phone numbers are included too.
Posted 12:57 PM
You Have the Audacity to Call This Yogurt?
Bullshit, Dude, That's Not Yogurt
I'm Not Prepared to Call This Yogurt
I Can't Believe It's Not I Can't Believe It's Yogurt!
You're Fucking Kidding Me. This Is Yogurt?
Liar! It's Not Yogurt. It Can't Be
Your Conscience Should Dictate That You Admit This Isn't Yogurt
This Isn't Yogurt, Is It? Wait, It Is? Forget It, Then
Posted 12:37 PM
Today (11-11) is Corduroy Appreciation Day. It's the date which most closely resembles corduroy.
Corduroy is a fabric composed of twisted fibers that when woven lie parallel (similar to twill) to one another to form the cloth's distinct pattern, a "cord." Modern corduroy is most commonly composed of tufted cords, sometimes exhibiting a channel (bare to the base fabric) between the tufts. The word "corduroy" can be used as a noun, a transitive verb or an adjective.
More on corduroy (if you care… and I’m betting you don’t)
Posted 12:19 PM
Friday, November 10, 2006
What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling)
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by a Texan
using Bill Gates' technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer
that uses Taiwanese chips,
and a Korean monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by Indian lorry-drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....
That, my friends, is
Posted 12:43 PM
Taken off the North Corridor that leads to the Senate floor in the US Capitol Building .
This is classified material, so do not ask how or where I got it.
Please DO NOT FORWARD this. The repercussions could shake things up more than you can imagine.
A highly respected politician's head is on the line here, but I feel everyone should know the truth.
Please keep this secret!
I could end up being one of the Clinton 's "pushing up daisies" victims.
Posted 12:21 PM
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"
"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this?
This is really going to hurt!
"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"
Oh for goodness sake... laugh, or at least groan. Life's too short not to enjoy........ even these silly little cute..... and clean jokes.
Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping" around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted 12:11 PM
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Carrie Wins, Faith Gets Pissed
Watch Faith Hill's reaction when she doesn't win the award.
Posted 5:53 AM
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
tv news bloopers
Posted 4:39 PM
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.
Posted 4:36 PM
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of th huan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a
porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Posted 4:16 PM
This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 50 years of age can't do it! Good Luck!
1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat
Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from the top down and I betcha you can't resist passing it on.
Posted 4:06 PM
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Posted 3:21 PM
1. Why Bert and Ernie have no girlfriends.
2. How come the Cookie Monster is so fat if he has no throat.
3. Where Grover lives.
4. What came after 12 (think of the song).
5. Why Maria, Olivia, Mr. Hooper, and Gordon hung out with puppets.
6. What Guy Smiley was smiling about.
7. What the hell is a Snuffelupagus?
8. Why the garbage men don't pick up Oscar.
9. Why Kermit only gets dressed to do the news.
10. Where it is.
Posted 3:10 PM
A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what is the problem and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counselor turns to the husband and says, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays ... but on Fridays, I fish." Thanks Gail Jane
A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage.
The counselor asks them what is the problem and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her passionately.
The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
The counselor turns to the husband and says, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays ... but on Fridays, I fish."
Thanks Gail Jane
Posted 2:54 PM
Monday, November 06, 2006
Posted 5:41 PM
Sunday, November 05, 2006
What she said… and what she meant:
"Fine" -- This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
"Five Minutes" -- If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
"Nothing" -- This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".
"Go Ahead" -- This is a dare, not permission. Proceed with extreme caution!
Loud Sigh -- Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
"That's OK" -- This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's OK" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
"Thanks" -- This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you, do not question it, just say "you're welcome" and back out of the room slowly.
Posted 6:43 PM
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute of his blind date. He secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone. When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grand-mother just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to."
Posted 6:36 PM
When you flip his switch (and yes, the switch is exactly where you think it is), and turn him on, his whole head lights up as if in embarrassment. Mr. P comes equipped with a lampshade you can use to put over his head or tilt slightly so he can peek out. The switch is made of rubber.
Posted 6:49 AM
1. If Kitty
2. If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
3. If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
4. If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
5. If Olivia
6. If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman
7. If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
8. If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
9. If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
10. How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.
11. If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.
12. If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.
13. If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
14. If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and
married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd
be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
Posted 6:44 AM