Dumb things people do

The following is from the British Sunday Express giving Gongs (medals) for dubious distinctions:

• Flying Cross
  To Percy the Pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft, having beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500 mile race, and was immediately eaten by a cat. Alas, the 90-minute delay resulting from finding his remains and handing his ID tag to the judges relegated Percy from first to third place.
• 
  Rubber Cushion
  To John Bloor, who mistook a tube of superglue for his hemorrhoid cream and glued his buttocks together.
• Silver Bullet
  To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock -- and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

Other dumb things:

•  A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
•  The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
•  A monk in Thailand is in big trouble with local authorities and betting shops after successfully predicting the winning lottery numbers -- 11 times in a row.
•  Sick of the weather? Don't blame Al Nino. The Nipomo, California man is getting a little tired of strangers calling him up to complain.
•  AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...
•  A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
• French farmer Michael LeMond shot himself in the foot when he opened fire on what he thought was a ghost.
• Officials from the Occupational Safety and Health Administration inspected their own offices and cited themselves on three safely violations.

• In a related story, 9-year-old Derek Hume was run over by a 1 ton concrete roller. The boy escaped without a bruise, however, because the massive cylinder pressed him into the rain-soaked earth.

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