Thursday, May 25, 2006

More Jack Bauer Facts

BauerJack by popular demand…

  • Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.
  • If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
  • Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.
  • Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
  • 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
  • Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
  • When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.
  • Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
  • Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
  • Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
  • If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.
  • Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
  • Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
  • Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
  •  In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the hell have you done with your life?
  • Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that pussy went to the hospital first.
  • When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."
  • Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
  • Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red.  His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
  • When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
  • Jack Bauer doesn't take fingerprints, he takes fingers.
  • Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.
  • Never use the phrase, "I feel half dead," around Jack Bauer; he never leaves a job unfinished.
  • There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.
  • You know Jack Bauer loves Audrey when he willingly gives up the opportunity to torture her.
  • Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."
  • Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
  • When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".
  • When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the  Jack Bauer signal.
  • Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
  • People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
  • When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
  • Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
  • When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
  • Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.
  • G.I. Joe has Jack Bauer action figures.
  • If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
  • Henderson's men actually took cover behind a water tank. Unfortunately, when Jack Bauer wants an explosion, water turns into natural gas.
  • If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
  • Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
  • You can lead a horse to water.  Jack Bauer can make him drink.
  • When Jack Bauer pissses into the wind, the wind changes direction.
  • If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot.  Count to 10.  That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.
  • During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.
  • If Jack Bauer shot you while quail hunting, it wouldn't be an accident.
  • Jack Bauer makes onions cry.
  • Jack Bauer tells Bob Barker when the price is right.
  • Jack Bauer often stands in front of his microwave and yells "WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME" while waiting for his Top Ramen to cook.
  • Jack Bauer can leave a message before the beep.
  • During the 18 months Jack Bauer was believed dead, CTU saved over $1 billion on ammunition.
  • When Jack Bauer turns on an Xbox the screen just says "You Win" and turns itself off again.
  • Explosions do not kill Jack Bauer, they just get stuff out of his way.
  • Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
  •  In one episode, there was an assassin who had the ability to throw Jack Bauer to the ground and break his rib.  I hate how unrealistic 24 is sometimes.
  • Franklin D. Roosevelt once said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Little did he know fear itself fears Jack Bauer.
  • Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
  • The "Smoothie" was invented when Jack Bauer needed information from a banana.
  • Oil and Water don't mix, unless Jack Bauer tells them to.
  • Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.
  • Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.
  • If O.J. ever met Jack Bauer, he'd confess.
  • Jack Bauer came up with the idea to can and sell his own urine, that product is known as Red Bull.
  • Jack Bauer once downloaded the entire Internet onto his PDA.
  • When Jack Bauer sneezes, God blesses him.
  • The reason why terrorists attacked New York City was because Jack Bauer was in LA.
  • Jack Bauer doesn't eat honey, he chews bees.
  • Jack Bauer thought the movie "Mission: Impossible" was completely unrealistic. No mission is impossible.
  • A terrorist once killed himself so Jack Bauer did not torture him. Jack just laughed, brought him back to life, and tortured him.
  • Jack Bauer does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Jack Bauer goes killing.

Many, many more Jack Bauer Facts here.

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1 comment:

Anonymous said...

love em!!!!