Saturday, November 05, 2005
Friday, November 04, 2005
(AP) - Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman has suggested that those who deface freeways with graffiti should have their thumbs cut off on television.
Goodman, appearing Wednesday on the ``Nevada Newsmakers'' television show, said, ``In the old days in France, they had beheading of people who commit heinous crimes.
``You know, we have a beautiful highway landscaping redevelopment in our downtown. We have desert tortoises and beautiful paintings of flora and fauna. These punks come along and deface it.
``I'm saying maybe you put them on TV and cut off a thumb,'' the mayor added. ``That may be the right thing to do.''
Goodman also suggested that whippings or canings should be brought back for children who get into trouble.
``I also believe in a little bit of corporal punishment going back to the days of yore, where examples have to be shown,'' Goodman said.
``I'm dead serious,'' said Goodman, adding, ``Some of these (children) don't learn. You have got to teach them a lesson, and this is coming from a criminal defense lawyer.''
``They would get a trial first,'' he added.
Another panelist on the show, Howard Rosenberg, a state university system regent, responded by saying that cutting off the thumbs of taggers won't solve the problem and Goodman should ``use his head for something other than a hat rack.''
Posted 5:44 PM
JOHANNESBURG, South Africa (Reuters) -- A seal bit off a South African woman's nose after she tried to help it back into the sea, an official said on Monday.
Elsie van Tonder, 49, is expected to undergo surgery this week after being bitten on a beach near George, about 400 kilometer (240 miles) east of Cape Town on Saturday.
Her nose was found but could not be reattached to her face, local media reported.
Posted 5:04 PM
Thursday, November 03, 2005
BENTONVILLE, Ark. (AP) - For 40 exhausting minutes, Wayne Goldsberry battled a buck with his bare hands in his daughter's bedroom.
Goldsberry finally subdued the five-point whitetail deer that crashed through a bedroom window at his daughter's home Friday. When it was over, blood splattered the walls and the deer lay dead on the bedroom floor, its neck broken.
Goldsberry was at his daughter's home when he heard glass breaking. He went back to check on the noise and found the deer.
"I was standing about like this peeking around the corner when the deer came out of the bedroom," said Goldsberry. The deer ran down the hall and into the master bedroom - "jumping back and forth across the bed."
Goldsberry entered the bedroom to confront the deer and, after a brief struggle, emerged to tell his wife to call police. After returning to the bedroom, the fight continued. Goldsberry finally was able to grip the animal and twist its neck, killing it.
Goldsberry, sore from the struggle, dragged the dead animal out of the house.
"He got kicked several times. He was walking bowlegged for a while," Deputy Doug Gay said.
At this time of year, a buck that sees its reflection in a window often charges, believing it is fighting off a rival, Gay said.
Goldsberry intended to have the deer processed for its meat.
Posted 2:27 PM
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Some of these are really pretty funny.
- “The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The drunk says, 'Are you gonna drink that'?"
- “I tried drinking myself to death. Now I have to get my health back just so I’ll have the strength to jump in front of a bus.”
- “The damn wagon’s too crowded anyway.”
- “I used to drink to get drunk. Now I just get friend-shot-buying stupid.”
- “Did you just say that or did I?”
- “The drinking will continue until you show a dramatic improvement in attitude.” Sandy T., 28, addressing her “uppity” liver at the Cockpit Lounge.
- “She spilled a beer on me. That’s foreplay.”
- “I used to live to work. Then I worked to live. Then I worked to drink. Now I must drink to work.”
- “We’ve had enough to drink. Now let’s have too much.”
- “There’s only two people in this town that I hate, and you’re both of them.”
- “Bar stools are like prostitutes. And if you think one belongs just to you, you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of heartbreak.”
- “I was in Hollywood a long, long time. I was on the verge of making it too, but some cocksucker stole my shopping cart and I was back to square one.”
- “Things are a lot more like they used to be than they are now.”
- ”No wonder you were sick—look at all the puke you swallowed!”
- “Either I’ve fallen down or you guys have turned into giants.”
- “The jukebox is the drunkard’s fireplace.”
- “My wife never knew I drank until I made the mistake of coming home sober.”
- “I’m drinking to get a hangover so I’ll have something to do during my day off tomorrow.”
- “Behind every good man, there’s a bartender in front of him.”
- “Sure! What’s in it?” Troy B.’s rather optimistic response to a bartender’s request of, “You wanna get the hell out of here?” at Club 404.
- “I was merely trying to appreciate the perspective of the snake.” Unnamed patron at the Leisure Lounge, explaining why she was found laying under a pool table.
- “That’s so tasty I’d drink it right back down if it were to come back up.”
- “I once got so drunk I woke up in a tree. Which wasn’t so bad, except the tree was in a different state than I started in. I call that being ‘Cross-Country Tree-Climbin’ Drunk.’”
- Patron: “I’ll have an extra dry Tanqueray martini on the rocks with a twist and when I can’t say it any more, don’t bring me any more.”
(5 drinks later)
Patron: “I’ll have a Tanqully moonton wit wockers.”
Bartender: “You can’t say it, so you can’t have one.”
Patron: “Okay, I’ll have a scotch and soda.”
- “I love to drink and I love to sing. But most people like to hear me drink.”
- “Every morning I have to a make a decision—smokes or drinks. Cigs or forty ouncers. I tell you, alcohol is saving me from lung cancer.”
- "My daddy drank, grand-daddy drank, my goddamn great grand-daddy drank, and I'll be goddamned if I'm going to drop the ball now."
Posted 2:06 PM
Here is a picture taken on October 27, 2005. Almost all the seats have been removed and are being shipped to their purchasers. You can see groups of seats sitting on the field and outside the stadium ready to be packed. In just a few weeks the old stadium will meet with the wrecking ball to make way for the new Busch Stadium growing into the area from the top of the picture. It looks a lot smaller than the old stadium.
Posted 12:55 PM
At the end of a tiny deserted bar in downtown Atlanta sat a huge black man. He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.
After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the big black man.
Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?" At this, the massive black man leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the shit out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the black man, and said, "I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?
"I don't know," the black man replied. " Something about a job."
Posted 12:46 PM
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
MYTH: "Men can pee standing up"
Fact: The reality is men can NOT pee standing up without getting as much as a stray drop on the seat or the outside surface of the toilet. Fragmentation of the urine stream causes particles of urine to dissipate. The larger the distance urine has to travel, the bigger the dissipation radius gets.
Some of you may say, "No, not me! I can pee through a donut from 40 feet above!" Well, mister hand-eye coordination, you are probably one of those people who also never ask for directions. Admitting that you have a problem is half the battle. At some point in your life you need to ask yourself, "Is it worth it? What has peeing standing up cost me in my life?"
Posted 2:54 PM
What we did
We destroyed my old video recorder, by putting food and detergent into it, letting kids use it as a skateboard, smashing it with hammers, dipping it into a lake, attacking it with an axe and a crowbar, running over it with a car, and finally blowing it up.
Because over the years, that VCR has been unreliable almost from when I bought it new. It had problems causing interference to TV signals, it chewed tapes, it scratched tapes, it got tapes stuck in it, and it broke down. And no matter how often it got serviced for these things, it did them again.
Eventually, I replaced it, but I decided that it wouldn't go to Cash Converters or be given away - I have no wish for someone else to be annoyed by it. And it wouldn't go in the bin. I would have my own back for years of frustration. I would have revenge. I would destroy it.
Posted 2:02 PM
I always wondered what I was. I never knew if I was a liberal or conservative.
CENTRISTS espouse a "middle ground" regarding government control of the economy and personal behavior. Depending on the issue, they sometimes favor government intervention and sometimes support individual freedom of choice.
Centrists pride themselves on keeping an open mind, tend to oppose "political extremes," and emphasize what they describe as "practical" solutions to problems.
The RED DOT on the Chart shows where I fit on the political map.
Your PERSONAL issues Score is 70%.
Your ECONOMIC issues Score is 40%.
What are you? Find out here.
Posted 1:37 PM
Monday, October 31, 2005
Mariah Carey "Suites fitted out with gold faucets." Also, "new toilet seat must be installed before her arrival." Also, "her own bed linens are flown in advance." Also, "on the two obligatory DVD players, only her own videos may be played." Also, she and her dog both bathe "in expensive French mineral water."
Jennifer Lopez: "Her suite must be painted and furnished completely in white. Also lilies and roses, her favorite flowers, white. Romantic candles placed everywhere — white, of course — ideally with the Paris perfume, Diptyque. Room temperature set at exactly 25.5 degrees Celsius. And her staff must also be accommodated. The diva travels with an entourage of up to 100."
Justin Timberlake : Demands the entire floor, private fitness studio, extra-large stereo unit and, since like Eminem he's undoubtedly a voracious reader, Nintendo PlayStation.
Quoting the booklet exactly: "The floor's air conditioning filters must be changed on his arrival. He insists all door handles be disinfected every few hours." And, since the man obviously worships with The Barbra Streisand Bible, "the hotel staff may under no circumstances address him."
Rod Stewart: "Cannot tolerate any light in the room for his afternoon nap." Sends "a special 'darkening team' to the hotel prior to his visit, whose job it is to seal all cracks of light."
Posted 2:47 PM
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Elizabeth Laatsch had to reassure the operator her call was no Halloween prank.
A deer came through her backyard Friday with a pumpkin stuck on its head.
At least, it looked like a pumpkin to the South Middleton Township woman.
“It sounds very far-fetched,” says Laatsch, who moved into the Stonehedge Drive house with husband, Jerry, about a month ago. Her husband was on the back porch about 11:15 a.m. when something walked through the yard.
“He did not know what it was at first,” Laatsch says. “He called out to me.”
She looked outside and saw the deer moving slowly, unable to see where it was going.
The animal disappeared into a wooded area and gully. Forty-five minutes later, the deer meandered back and Laatsch took its picture.
Third call in 3 days
Concerned for its welfare, she called the Pennsylvania Game Commission and found out she was the third person to report the animal in as many days.
The first call came on Wednesday, says Eric Horsh, wildlife conservation officer for Cumberland County. And Horsh came within 20 yards of capturing the deer in the vicinity of Rockledge Drive and Old School Road in South Middleton.
The deer seems to have a large brown or gold plastic ball stuck on its head — a lawn ornament or possibly a Halloween decoration, Horsh says.
“From the size, it may be a yearling.” He adds, “I’ve never seen anything like it” in five years as a wildlife conservation officer.
The second sighting was Thursday behind East Gate apartment complex. Again, Horsh responded, with no luck.
Every report is within the same general area behind Kmart along Walnut Bottom Road.
Can’t eat or drink
While the deer appeared healthy, Horsh is concerned about its ability to eat or drink with the ball over its head. A healthy deer could survive without water for up to a week.
Horsh suspects the deer came across the ball, poked its head in to investigate, but could not pull out.
He hopes to get close enough to grab or rope the deer. A tranquilizer gun is not an option since the drug would make the deer unfit for human consumption for up to 30 days should it be harvested legally during hunting season.
Upon receiving the call from Laatsch Friday, Horsh followed the deer until its tracks intermingled with those of other deer.
Horsh is the only conservation officer on duty and it can take up to 45 minutes to reach the area of the sighting. By that time, the animal has moved on.
Posted 12:20 PM
"I've never felt better." — Douglas Fairbanks.
"Either that wallpaper goes, or I do." — Oscar Wilde (1854—1900), Irish-born British dramatist. As he lay dying in a drab Paris bedroom.
"Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something..." — Pancho Villa (1877—1923) clutching a comrade.
"Oh my, it's very beautiful over there." — Thomas Edison (1847—1931).
"My work is done. Why wait ?" — George Eastman (1854—1932), US inventor and industrialist, suicide note.
"If this is dying, I don't think much of it." — Lytton Strachey (1880—1932), British writer.
"Die ? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him." — John Barrymore (1882—1942), US actor.
"Shoot me in the chest !" — Benito Mussolini ( -1944).
"Go away... I'm alright." — H. G. Wells (1866—1946).
"I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes." — W. C. Fields (1880—1946), US comedian. Said during his last illness.
"Seventeen whiskeys. A record, I think." — Dylan Thomas (1914-53), Welsh poet.
"I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis." — Humphrey Bogart (1899—1957).
"God bless... God damn." — James Thurber (1894—1961), US humorist.
"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." — Winston Churchill (1874—1965).
"Damn it... Don't you dare ask God to help me." — Joan Crawford ( -77), actress, to her housekeeper who had begun to pray aloud.
"Why yes — a bulletproof vest." — James Rodges, murderer, on his final request before the firing squad.
"I did not get my Spaghetti-O's, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this." — Thomas J. Grasso, executed 1995.
"Hey guys, watch this !" — Todd Poller (2001), who tried to swallow a live perch.
Posted 10:05 AM
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it?
A death. What's that, a bonus ? I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work.
You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities.
You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... you finish off as an orgasm.
It's perfect !
Posted 9:48 AM
Wikipedia has a list of unusual deaths, including unique or extremely rare causes of death recorded throughout history, as well as less rare but still unusual causes of death of prominent persons.
Here are just a few from this massive list:
- 453: Attila the Hun suffered a severe nosebleed and choked to death on his wedding night.
- 1277: Pope John XXI was killed in the collapse of his scientific laboratory.
- 1841: William Henry Harrison, ninth President of the United States, gave the longest inaugural address in the history of the United States in heavy snow and caught a cold. It developed into pneumonia and killed him in a month.
- 1884: Allan Pinkerton, detective, died of gangrene resulting from having bitten his tongue after stumbling on the sidewalk.
- 1923: Frank Hayes, jockey, suffered a heart attack during a horse race. The horse, Sweet Kiss, went on to finish first, making Hayes the only deceased jockey to win a race.
- 1977: Tom Pryce, a Formula One driver, and a 19-year-old track marshal both died at the 1977 South African Grand Prix after the marshal ran across the track beyond a blind brow to attend to another car and was struck by Pryce's car. Pryce was hit in the face by the marshal's fire extinguisher and killed instantly.
- 1993: Brandon Lee, the son of Bruce Lee, was shot and killed by a prop 44 Magnum while filming the movie The Crow. Unknown to the film crew, the tip of a dummy round broke off in the chamber of the weapon during practice. When a blank round was later fired in the gun, the tip shot out and fatally wounded Lee.
- 1999: Owen Hart, WWF wrestler, died when he fell 78 feet while being lowered into the ring by a cable from the stadium rafters before an upcoming match.
- 1999: Golf champion Payne Stewart and his support staff died aboard their business jet, when the craft suddenly lost all pressurization at high altitude. The Learjet then became a flying coffin, continuing on autopilot for several hours. Its almost total destruction on eventual impact made full investigation of the mystery impossible.
- 2005 - An unidentifed Seattle man who died of peritonitis after submitting to anal intercourse with a well-hung stallion. The case may lead to the criminalization of bestiality. 
Posted 8:25 AM