Saturday, October 08, 2005
Ah drunk people...will they ever say what they mean? Below you’ll find some common drunk phrases and what they translate to in sober language. I hope this helps you gauge whether or not it’s a good idea to let your buddy in the car when he claims he’s “totally fine, dude.”
Dude, all the chicks at this party are ugly = Dude, none of the chicks at this party will talk to me.
Man, I’m hungry = Man, if I don’t eat right now I am going to be puking all over this bar…again.
I’m soooo drunk = I’m planting a seed in your head that will eventually grow into a beautiful tree which excuses me from blame for my actions tonight.
I just, like, want to help animals, ya know? = I just, like, want to get in your pants, ya know?
more from the Drunktionary
via Look st this
Posted 2:32 PM
- President Lyndon B. Johnson's favorite drink may have been scotch and soda. He would ride around his Texas ranch in an open convertible in hot weather. He drank his "scotch and soda out of a large white plastic foam cup. Periodically, Johnson would slow down and hold his left arm outside the car, shaking the cup and ice. A Secret Service agent would run up to the car, take the cup and go back to the station wagon (following the President's car). There another agent would refill it with ice, scotch, and soda as the first agent trotted behind the wagon. then the first agent would run the refilled cup up to LBJ's outstretched hand, as the President's car moved slowly forward."
- As Magellan prepared to sail around the world in 1519, he spent more on Sherry than on weapons.
- The longest bar in the world is 684 feet (or about 208.5 meters) long and is located at the New Bulldog in Rock Island, Illinois.
- A tequini is a martini made with tequila instead of dry gin.
- The founder of MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) no longer belongs to the organization. She resigned after it became increasingly anti-alcohol rather than simply anti-drunk-driving.
- Franklin D. Roosevelt was elected President of the U.S. in 1932 on a pledge to end National Prohibition.
- The U.S. Marines’ first recruiting station was in a bar.
- Bourbon is the official spirit of the United States, by act of Congress.
- One glass of milk can give a person a .02 blood alcohol concentration (BAC) on a Breathalyzer test. That’s enough in some states for persons under age 21 to lose their drivers license and be fined.
- Martha Washington enjoyed daily toddys. In the 1790s, "happy hour" began at 3:00 p.m. and cocktails continued until dinner.
- Beer was not sold in bottles until 1850; it was not sold in cans until 1935.
- Liquor stores in the US are called "package stores" and sell "package goods" because of laws requiring that alcohol containers be concealed in public by being placed in paper bags or "packages."
- "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" is commonly believed to be the only English sentence devised to include all the letters of the alphabet. However, typesetters have another such sentence: "Pack my box with five dozen liquor jugs."
- Alcohol consumption decreases during the time of the full moon.
- Abraham Lincoln, the sixteenth president of the US, stated that "It has long been recognized that the problems with alcohol relate not to the use of a bad thing, but to the abuse of a good thing."
- Beer and Bras. British men have been found twice as likely to know the price of their beer as their partner's bra size.
- One or two alcohol drinks a day can be anti-inflammatory. (Of course, always consult your physician for medical advice.)
via Look at this
Posted 2:14 PM
Carol Yager (1960 - 1994) of Flint, MI; 5 ft 7 in, estimated to have weighed more than 1600 lbs at her peak. She had been fat since childhood. In 1993, she was measured at 1189 lbs when admitted to Hurley Medical Center, suffering from cellulitis. She lost nearly 500 lbs on a 1200-calorie diet, but most of that weight was thought to be fluid, and she regained all of it and more soon after being discharged. Her teenage daughter, a boyfriend, and a group of volunteers helped take care of her. Despite extravagant promises by diet maven Richard Simmons and talk-show host Jerry Springer, Yager received little practical assistance in return for her media exposure (though Springer continues to profit from her appearance on his show, having rebroadcast that episode at least four times). She was refused further hospitalization on the grounds that her condition was not critical, despite massive water retention and signs of incipient kidney failure, and these problems led to her death a few weeks later.
Moree of the Worlds Heaviest People
via Look at this
Posted 1:54 PM
Friday, October 07, 2005
This one is No. 5:
You know this corporation owns all your souls. Especially, when you decide to pay 5 bucks for a coffee. They're gonna go to the dark side, when they introduce the Starbucks Beer. You'll now get a chance to get buzzed and energized at the same time. But don't forget, you'll probably be paying 10 bucks, along with you best friend's soul to get one.
via J-Walk blog
Posted 2:32 PM
Thursday, October 06, 2005
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said,
"You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS".
Posted 8:16 PM
Here are just some:
- 50. Getting crushed by poorly-mounted plasma TV over your bed
- 45. Re-enacting a stunt from “Jackass”
- 35. Drowning in a teaspoon of water
37. Bleeding out following an adult circumcision
- 35. Drowning during your Born-Again baptism
- 33. Severing your penis trying to open a can of tuna fish
- 30. Chaffing yourself to death with one-ply toilet paper
- 26. Failing to seek medical attention after four-hour erection
- 21. Snorting Gold Bond that you thought was cocaine
- 18. Like Roy Horn (Almost)
- 12. Brain hemorrhage while trying to force out a huge turd
- 4. Looking down the barrel of a gun to see if it’s loaded…
- 1. Getting your head cut off by a Hall of Fame running back
Posted 1:58 PM
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
Thanks Danny Mac
Posted 1:43 PM
SaveMyAss is a personal assistant that helps you make your girlfriend or wife happy by sending her flowers on your behalf, on a regular but semi-random basis.
Why do I need this?
If you're a successful professional whose career demands the bulk of your time, you know the situation. You want her to be happy, but work keeps you so busy... and maybe you're just not as good at being romantic as you'd like to be. Imagine how she'd feel if you sent her flowers on a regular basis. Sign up for this service once, and we'll take care of the rest.
How does it work?
You provide us with your billing info and her delivery address. We'll periodically send her flowers every 4-6 weeks, and bill you for each delivery individually (not prepaid). . We'll notify you before each order, and you can edit them in advance if you'd like. We'll schedule flowers for all the obligatory dates she expects (you'll never miss an important date again!) and we'll score you major points by making deliveries she doesn't expect. You will be amazed at what impact sending flowers for no apparent reason has.
Posted 1:33 PM
The new MS Excel 12 software will feature 'conditional formatting', which allows users to apply formatting to cell(s) automatically depending on the value of the cell or the value of a formula. This feature makes it easy to highlight certain values (e.g. 'all test scores below 50% turn red' or 'all tasks assigned to Dave turn green') or, even better, to generate some simple but powerful data visualizations, as the developers 'wanted to provide users with great new data visualization tools so that users could scan & quickly comprehend large quantities of information…
Posted 1:15 PM
Mom always said to chew you food well before swallowing.
The Burmese python tried to swallow its fearsome rival whole but then exploded.
The remains of the two giant reptiles were found by astonished rangers in the Everglades National Park.
via J-Walk blog
Posted 12:59 PM
Devender Harne, 10, was born with 25 fingers and toes -- six fingers on each hand, six toes on one foot and seven on the other.
Though it would be considered an abnormality to some, Devender says it allows him to work faster than the average child.
The extra digits on his hands and feet don't hinder his daily life. Like any normal 10-year-old, he goes to school, plays sports and spends time with his friends.
The Guinness Book of World Records has contacted the boy's family and is investigating whether he has the most useful fingers and toes in the world.
via J-Walk Blog
Posted 12:52 PM
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
The wife replied, "in-laws."
Posted 2:31 PM
Research on bread indicates that:
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, it has been proposed that the following bread restrictions be made:
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
via The Presurfer
Posted 2:04 PM
Now you can easily move handsfree around a darkened house reducing the risk of tripping over objects or running into doors, furniture or anything not easily seen in the dark.
Brightfeet™ Lighted Slippers are ideal for night time trips to the bathroom, kitchen, kid’s room or anywhere in your house! Power outage? Use Brightfeet™ to locate candles, flashlights and other emergency lighting sources.
Only $39.95 here
via J-Walk blog
Posted 1:58 PM
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
Posted 8:36 PM
- ...Instead of referring to two or more people as "Y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
- ...You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
- ...You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY.
- ...You would never stop to buy something somebody was cooking on the side of the road. (e.g., boiled peanuts, not road kill, Dummy!)
- ...You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
- ...For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes-au-gratin to grits.
- ...You don't know what a moon pie is. You have probably never watched a moon pie in a microwave.
- ...You've never had an RC Cola.
- ...You've never, ever eaten okra -- fried, boiled, or pickled.
- ...You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
- ...You have no idea what a polecat is.
- ..You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on your dog.
- ...You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
- ...You drink either "Pop" or "Soda"- instead of "Cokes."
- ...You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-'n-knife show.
- .. You have never been hep'd.
- ...You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach
- ...You have never gone to a family reunion to pick up women.
- ...You don't even have one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
- ...You couldn't find the eye of the stove if your life depended on it.
- ...You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
- ..You have more than one professional sports team in your home state.
- ..You call binoculars opera glasses.
- ...You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
- ...You can't spit without opening your mouth.
- ...You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice)
- ...You don't know any women with male names (i.e., Tommie, Bobbie, Freddie, Johnnie, Jimmie, Ricki)
- ...You don't have Maw-maw's, Me-maws, Pawpaw's or Pappaw's.
- ...You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
- ...None of your fur coats are homemade.
stolen from lollogren.com
Posted 5:10 PM
Damon Kastner, 11, keeps an eye on an African millipede as it crawls around on his head during a visit at Bookmans, a bookstore in Tucson, Ariz. The bug was part of an event by Tony's Creepy, Crawly Zoo featuring scorpions, tarantulas, millipedes, and more.
Posted 4:45 PM
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?" I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, ³come look at the lizard!"
Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced.²We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!" they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."
He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that... I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's pecker ....Priceless...
Posted 2:33 PM
Monday, October 03, 2005
- anticipating the unanticipated
- All natural artificial flavor
- alone together
- Aunt Jemima Light
- barely dressed
- clearly misunderstood
- click the start button to shut down
- Dodge Ram
- devout atheist
- disposable products with a lifetime guarantee
- dying is a part of life
- Extended Deadline
- Fresh from Concentrate
- good beating
- head butt
- highly visible covert operation
- impatient patient
- intense disinterest
- long sleeve t-shirt
- Mobil™ station
- Park Drive
- Plastic silverware
- pretty ugly
- rubber cement
- sound of silence
- taped live
- Thank God I'm an Atheist
via Look at this
Posted 6:33 PM
Here are just some off them:
Quaker 100% Natural Oats & Honey Granola Does Mother Nature want you eating half a cup of oats coated with three teaspoons of sugar and laden with more artery-clogging fat than you’d get in a McDonald’s hamburger?
Bugles What’s so bad about Bugles? The highly saturated coconut oil that General Mills fries them in —oil that’s about twice as saturated as lard.
Entenmann’s Rich Frosted Donut How can one doughnut have as much artery-clogging saturated and trans fat (10 grams) as nine strips of bacon? That’s what happens when you completely cover a doughnut in chocolate.
Burger King French Fries Burger King makes some of the worst french fries you can buy at a fast-food restaurant. Thanks to the salty coating that allows more oil to be absorbed, a King Size order of their fries packs 590 calories and 30 grams of fat — 12 of them artery-clogging.
Campbell’s red-and-white-label condenses soups They’re brimming with salt. Half a can averages more than 1,100 mg of sodium. That’s about half your ideal quota for an entire day.
Denny’s grand Slam This belt-buster breakfast (2 eggs, 2 sausage links, 2 strips of bacon, and 2 pancakes) may seem like a great deal to your wallet, but it’s no bargain for your waistline or arteries. It’ll sock you with three-quarters of a day’s total fat (50 grams) and saturated fat (14 grams), nearly a full day’s sodium (2,240 mg), and one-and-a-half day’s cholesterol (460 mg) — not to mention 800 calories.
via J-Walk blog
Posted 6:08 PM
Sunday, October 02, 2005
Here are just a few of the tips:
- Fill up on weekdays—because prices usually rise on the weekend. The cheapest times to buy gas are typically Tuesday midday or Wednesday morning.
- Avoid gas stations near freeways, however, because prices are often higher there.
- Avoid topping off. When you purchase just a bit of gas at the gas station the pump doesn’t have enough time to really activate, resulting in short bursts of fuel that may short change you from the amount of gas that you are purchasing.
- Avoid idling. If you have to sit in your car for more than one minute, shut off the engine.
- Park in the shade. This minimizes fuel evaporation and helps keep your car cool in the summer.
The complete list is here.
Posted 7:26 PM
Call them bum wines, street wines, fortified wines, wino wines, or twist-cap wines. Whatever you call these beverages for the economical drunkard, this page explores the top five. So curl up on a heating duct and enjoy...
Posted 7:05 PM
Streaking - a curiously British phenomenon (that guy who streaked behind David Niven at the Oscars notwithstanding). While I was growing up, it seemed that almost every national sporting event in England was interrupted by a naked runner - usually a short ugly hairy man who proved to the crowd just how cold the weather actually was (see Seinfeld, shrinkage).
But while no-one - male or female - probably gives a damn about seeing male dangly bits jogging across a tennis court, I thought there might be a little more interest in a Hall of Fame for the great female streakers to grace our sporting arenas.
And so, YBNBY provides a pictorial guide to the Ten best female streakers of all time. (NSFW)
Posted 7:01 PM
15> "He snapped my bra like a Concorde taking off, and I was unhooked for love."
14> "Yes, she was a woman who had once been a man, but she still knew how to flutter her eyelashes as well as those other hussies."
13> "The heaving waves on the vast, ink-black ocean sent a salty spray over the proud bow of the three-masted ship, leaving beads of water on the exposed alabaster skin above the bodice of the tall, raven-haired woman who stood sobbing on the deck, her salty tears mixing with the storm-tossed sea."
12> "Scarlet's hair was as red as my persistent canker sore."
11> "Nicolette let the silk blouse fall from her shoulders, wrapped her left leg around John and deftly cut some cheese."
10> "Robert was new at this prison thing, and he felt frightened and confused. But the moment he laid eyes on #472825994, he became a prisoner of love."
9> "Sam liked to hump."
8> "Though he was flanked by two swarthy state troopers, Paula found her gaze drawn to the chubby saxophonist."
7> "It was a dark and horny night."
6> "Gentle cascades of vermilion poured over Daphne's heaving, lily-white bosom. 'Call 911, Scooby,' she breathed."
5> "His flatulence reared up like a proud stallion."
4> "'Miss Savannah, is there room for both of us in that hoop skirt?' Chandler mocked with a slight bow and a sweep of his top hat."
3> "Within minutes of their meeting, Representatives Beth (D-Florida) and Eric (R-Montana) lumbered into the bedroom where soon the unmistakable sounds of wet, naked bodies engaged in a sexual congress were heard."
2> "He smelled of pork. Rotting pork, in fact, and lots of it."
and TopFive.com's Number 1 Bad Romance Novel Opening Line...
1> "Omaha Beach, 0800 Hours: Reinforcements from 2nd Panzer Korps arrive, their well-muscled young torsos glistening with man-dew."
Posted 10:57 AM
Acetone (CH3COCH3) is a product that can be purchased inexpensively in most locations around the world, such as in the common hardware, auto parts, or drug store. Added to the fuel tank in tiny amounts, acetone aids in the vaporization of the gasoline or diesel, increasing fuel efficiency, engine longevity, and performance -- as well as reducing hydrocarbon emissions.
Sounds interesting, but I’m skeptical.
Posted 10:01 AM